Pushing Back on the Knitting Police: Unsolicited Advice for the Unsolicited Advice-Givers

In part one of this miniseries about the knitting police, we talked about when a mistake is actually a mistake and when it’s just a knitter doing something different. Today, let’s talk about what to do once you have confirmed that a knitter is actually making a mistake.

There are a lot of different approaches to this, but I’ll share my decision tree with you.

Question one: has the person asked for advice?

After you spend enough time on this earth, you realize that there are some people whose favorite hobby is offering unsolicited advice. There is no stopping those people.

For the rest of us, we can help keep ourselves from becoming an unpleasant thorn in others’ sides by pausing when we feel the urge to offer advice and asking ourselves one very important question: did the person actually ask for advice?

Now, asking for advice can take all sorts of shapes. It could look like the person saying, “Please give me advice.” That’s pretty easy and straightforward. In those contexts, obviously, they are seeking advice.

But sometimes, the request for advice is couched in slightly fuzzier language. They might say something like, “This didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to, and I don’t know what I did wrong.” In those contexts, they might still be seeking advice, but they might be uncomfortable asking outright, afraid to admit that they need help, or in need of advice but don’t necessarily want advice from everybody. In those situations, I like to ask myself some more questions before offering advice.

Question number two: do I actually know the answer to the question?

It can be so fun to help other people solve their problems. In fact, it can be so fun that some people will try to solve others’ problems even when they actually don’t know how to do so.

When somebody seeks advice, we have to be intellectually honest with ourselves and have a moment of self reflection. Do I have the expertise to help them solve this problem? If the answer to that is no, then even if I want to help, I may not be the best person to do so. If the answer is yes, I’d still ask myself some additional questions before I chimed in with advice.

Question three: is the advice I’m going to offer really obvious?

I’ve spent enough time on the Internet to know that people love giving really obvious advice. For example, if I comment somewhere that I have been battling a cold for two weeks, somebody will inevitably chime in and say something like, “Have you taken any vitamin C or zinc?” Yes. I am a 40-year-old adult with a decent education. I know how to google basic cold treatments.

Those kinds of extremely obvious advice may not be helpful depending on the circumstance. In fact, they can sometimes be insulting, because they imply that the person to whom you are giving the advice is incapable of doing basic research.

In the knitting context, this might look like a knitter posting and saying, “I am struggling with tight tension in my stitches,” and somebody replying saying, “You should loosen your grip on the needles.” No kidding, Sherlock.

Question four: did someone else already offer the same advice?

The only thing worse than receiving unhelpful advice is receiving unhelpful advice repeatedly from different sources. I see this all the time online.

Somebody will post a question, and 17 different people will respond with the exact same very obvious solution that is the first result you get when you google how to solve the problem. This is not helpful. In fact, it can drown out helpful answers.

If I really want to emphasize that I think somebody else’s answer is in fact the correct one, I usually drop a like on that answer or even respond to it and say something like “I agree with this” or “This is what I would do.” When in doubt, I check the replies first to see whether my answer has already been provided by somebody else.

Question five: do I have a pre-existing relationship with the person?

This question is especially helpful for those situations where the advice seeker isn’t very obviously asking for feedback from anybody who reads or sees their request.

For example, let’s say I can tell from a stranger’s video that they’re twisting their stitches (and not just using a different technique like combination knitting.) The thing is, they haven’t asked for help and I have no pre-existing connection with this person. In that case, I’m probably not the best one to help them sort through that issue.

If it were my sister, well, we have a good relationship with each other. In that case, if it looked like the technique issue was going to affect the drape or fit of her project, I’d probably find a way to gently mention it and help sort out the problem.

Question six: is this a helpful time to offer advice?

There are times when it makes sense to offer advice and there are times when advice is not helpful. Here’s what I mean.

Let’s say a dear friend of mine posted excitedly about the yarn that they planned to use to knit a beanie. I knew that the yarn was 100% linen, and they hadn’t yet started the hat. In that case, I’d reach out to help them find a better yarn choice.

The timing is good here because they haven’t yet started knitting. That means there’s not a significant investment in the project yet. They’ve spent the money on the yarn, of course, but the yarn can be saved for something else.

This is also an example of a scenario where it makes sense to have a pre-existing relationship before you offer advice. That’s because this is going to be truly unsolicited advice, but it will be good and helpful advice. It’ll probably be received best when coming from someone with whom the poster has a pre-existing, good relationship.

If, however, I see a friend post a finished beanie knit entirely with linen yarn, and they are very pleased with it and have not asked for any advice, I am going to tell them the hat is beautiful and leave it at that. If they later get to a point where they are unhappy with how the hat has held up under use, then I can talk with them about why linen was not a great choice for that hat and what they could do next.

When in doubt about whether it’s a good time to offer advice, I ask these two questions. First, how far along in the project are they? And second, is it too late for that advice to be helpful?

Question seven: is this a good place to offer advice?

This is another example of a situation where it helps to have a pre-existing relationship with a person. If I know that the person is really shy and is just getting confident enough to share their knitting online, the last thing I wanna do is show up in their comments where everyone can see and offer criticism or correction.

There are certain types of advice that I would usually offer via an in-person conversation or a private message. That is most frequently going to be in scenarios where I know the person would feel embarrassed or uncomfortable receiving input publicly. Sometimes it’ll also happen where I am offering advice that hasn’t actually been requested but I know the person well enough that I feel comfortable offering it anyway.

Discernment and the Knitting Police

Now obviously, the last thing I want to do here is become the etiquette police of the knitting police. I don’t think that’s particularly useful. But I do think that talking to each other about how to support each other and build a nurturing community is a helpful activity.

Maybe this series of questions will be helpful for some people when they are thinking about when and whether to offer knitting advice. Maybe it will be totally useless. I’m a big fan of rubrics and checklists, so hopefully this will be received in the spirit it was offered. As with all unsolicited advice, take what works for you and leave what doesn’t!

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